the big voice

bella loves, loves, loves to sing. so when we found out that they were having a recognition night for achievement days at church and she got to display a talent, the talent choice was a no brainer. i picked out a song for her, because i have to accompany her and that is a scary thing (stay tuned for more info) and we started working. she already knew most of the song so we were making huge progress when she just stopped singing. i looked at her to see what the problem was and there were huge tears in her eyes.

me - what's wrong? your doing great

bella - i don't want to sing this song because i can't use my big voice.

me - your big voice? what are you talking about?

bella - you know - the one like this

HUGE operatic voice starts singing about an octave above the notes we were on

me - wow. that is very nice. BUT - it's not really the best voice for this song. and your regular voice sounds so great on it. can we just do this one?

bella - ok, if that's what you really think.

i am so curious to see what her singing voice is going to be like in a few years.

now as for me accompanying her - this is huge for me. i have never enjoyed playing the piano in front of others. i am quite certain that this fear stems from numerous recital disasters. playing the piano has never come naturally to me. this fact displayed itself every year, in the spring at st. john's church in keokuk, iowa. this is where my piano teacher, mrs. goeke held the annual piano recital. from my perspective, everyone played so effortlessly and perfect. like they were one with the piano. then it would be my turn and i would stumble and have imperfect tempo through the entire piece. my fingers were never light and airy on the keys. instead they were heavy. i didn't float, i pounded on the keys like a little hammer. it was horrible!! one year, i believe it was my sophomore year, i got so confused and turned around that she actually had to place the music in front of me because i could not pull the piece back together. i wanted the floor to open up and swallow me i was so embarrassed. i didn't dare look at anyone as i walked the aisle that seemed to go on forever back to my seat. if i made eye contact the tears that were there, sitting on the edge, would break through adding to my humiliation. determined not to have back to back disasters, the next year on the day of recital i racked my brain to try and come up with an out. i knew that if i just told my parents i didn't want to go they would make me. i was pretty sure that i wouldn't be able to fake a deathly illness convincingly so what other choice did i have?? the only one i could think of was injury. but what kind of injury? a sprained ankle wouldn't do the job. i'd have to actually hurt one of my hands somehow. i was too much of a wuss to slam it in a door. so somehow, i thought that if i could fall on it and sprain it that would hurt less. so i tried to throw myself down the stairs. now you might be thinking, what a ridiculous plan?? what on earth was she thinking?? but i was just so desperate! i cannot begin to convey to you the depths of my desperation at that point. so besides the obvious, there was another major flaw with this plan. it's really hard to purposely fall down stairs. i tried and tried but everytime i would catch myself. so the only injury i sustained was a couple of bruises on my legs. the time at which my dad would get home from school grew closer and closer and finally i realized that i had no out. the show would have to go on. and while it was better than the year before, it still was so imperfect! and that is how i have always viewed my piano playing skills. forced and imperfect in every way. but, i vowed that this year i would dust off the ivories. and if we are going to be our own little version of the von trapp family, someone has to be able to play the accompaniment so i'm getting out of my comfort zone and playing my heart out for my little girl. let's just hope that i don't embarrass myself too much. or get her so confused with my less than marvelous playing that she can't sing the song. i did that at state the one time i took a piano solo to contest. part of the scoring was that you had to accompany someone and i did such a horrid job that i messed them up big time. they were totally embarrassed, not to mention mad at me, and i just wanted to block the entire thing out of my mind. which i have done quite well actually. i don't remember who i played for or what i played. i just remember that it happened and it was a train wreck. so let's just pray that a repeat does not occur.